The Problems with Parrots
by Red Witch
Summary: Polly the Parrot is causing a lot of trouble and as usual the XMen are getting blamed for it! I've been watching way too many sitcoms...


**The disclaimer for this fic telling you that I don't own any X-Men Evolution or GI Joe characters has just flown out the window. Another crazy fic that came into my head and refused to leave. This is set shortly after the Arena story line in This Soap Opera Called Life.**

**The Problems with Parrots**

"You really think Polly's here at the Institute?" Wanda asked as the Misfit kids teleported to the X-Mansion.

"Why not? Dad sneaks over here all the time," Althea told her. "In fact I think he's here trying to woo Storm again."

And angry Scott and Jean were there waiting for them. "Uh they don't look happy to see us," Fred gulped.

"So what else is new?" Pietro remarked. "Hey guys!"

"YOU!" Scott growled. "Your stupid parrot has caused nothing but trouble today!"

"What did Polly break this time?" Althea asked.

"Several restraining orders apparently," Jean folded her arms. "But this is the big thing, your bird has been sneaking out all over town to not only the zoo, but every pet store, bird sanctuary and private home that has a parrot all over Bayville. Specifically female parrots."

"Oh no…" Lance winced. "He didn't…"

"He did," Scott told him. "I don't know how he did it but within a week Polly has knocked up every female parrot within the borders of Bayville. And as usual, **we're** getting the blame!"

"You?" Wanda asked. "Why are they blaming you if Polly's the one…?"

"Because people have seen that crazy bird flying around here!" Scott snapped. "They think **we're **the owners! That's why!"

"You serious?" Lance snickered.

"It's not funny Alvers!" Scott told him. "As if we didn't have enough problems with Evan on the run for murder, anti-mutant hostilities getting worse, X-23 and Dazzler recovering at the mansion and SHEILD agents in the house, now we've been slapped with a paternity suit from a bird named Mitzi!"

"I think you two are blowing this way out of proportion," Shipwreck said as Logan dragged him into the room. Xavier was following them.

"Shipwreck," Xavier said in an increasingly annoyed tone. "I didn't mind so much when your parrot decided to fly around in the greenhouse singing the Pina Colada song all day. I've tolerated his raids on my liquor cabinet because it cut down on my staff's drinking. I have even learned to laugh at the time your parrot threw a huge party and wrecked the mansion. But **twenty-seven lawsuits** is not blowing things out of proportion! It is a sign from God himself that the parrot is out of control!"

"And you're just figuring this out now?" Lance rolled his eyes. "So I guess you guys know about Polly huh?"

"As well as a few other things. I learned something new today," Logan said sarcastically. "You know how many girl parrots there are in Bayville, counting the zoo? Take a guess. Go on. Take one."

"Ten?" Althea asked timidly. "Twenty five? Thirty?"

"One hundred and eleven," Logan told her.

"A hundred and…" Althea gasped.

"Man Polly's a stud yo!" Todd whistled.

"Oh come on not **all** of them could be Polly!" Lance snapped. "Maybe ten or twenty or so but not that many! It's impossible!"

"Lance we are talking about a bird who has used General Eddington's credit card to order expensive champagne by the **case**," Althea groaned. "Believe me, it's possible!"

"The entire town is complaining about loud, stupid parrots," Jean told them. "And we're the cause of it!"

"Well you gotta admit it's a nice change from all the destruction and death they're usually complaining about," Todd said. "I mean it's kind of funny if you think about it. Of all the things they charge us with a parrot paternity suit is kinda funny don't ya think?"

"Oh yes," Xavier said sarcastically. "I was just saying to Logan the other day, 'You know I think we need more variety in our lawsuits.'"

"You know it ain't like that dragon you keep around here hasn't strayed from the fence a few times?" Todd told him.

"You have a point," Scott admitted. "But still…"

"Lockheed does not go on bird booty calls all over town," Logan snapped. "Shipwreck your parrot got us into this mess so **you** are going to get us out of this!"

"Let me see if I get this straight," Wanda asked as she pointed to Shipwreck. "You want **him **to solve your problem?"

"She's right," Scott threw up his hands. "We're screwed!"

"Scott!" Xavier spoke sharply.

"Well he's right!" Logan defended.

Ororo walked in with a bearded man. "Charles we have a problem. You remember Mr. Rhodenski, the science teacher from Bayville High?"

"I see once again you mutants are busy making life miserable for me and everyone else in Bayville!" Mr. Rhodenski snapped. "I am here not only as an official representative of the Bayville Bird Watchers society but as a concerned owner of a bird myself. Specifically a rare Patagonian Red Crested Parrot."

"Oh boy…" Logan winced.

"Her name is Lady Anabella," Mr. Rhodenski went on. "There are less than a thousand of her species on the planet. I was planning to breed her with another champion Patagoinan Red Crested Parrot in England and make a lot of money as well as preserve her species."

"Well that kind of makes you a bird pimp doesn't it?" Shipwreck said.

"So you can imagine my surprise a few weeks ago when I noticed Lady Anabella had a nest of seven eggs in her birdcage," Mr. Rhodenski said. "And when they hatched there were these cute little fluffy baby parrots with green down. Which is interesting because Lady Anabella's colors are Red, blue and gray!"

"Yeah…" Pietro blinked. "So?"

"Well I had those birds tested and guess what?" Mr. Rhodenski asked. "They all have an X-Gene! And I know for damn well sure my Lady Anabella doesn't have one!"

"An X-Gene?" Scott was surprised. "Is that possible?"

"Oh don't play innocent with me!" Mr. Rhodenski snapped. "We know all about your plot to further your deranged cause of evolution! It's bad enough you mutants are poisoning our gene pool but now you have to ruin the entire bird population as well?"

"Mr. Rhodenski as a man of science I am surprised by your attitude," Xavier said.

"You're surprised?" Rhodenski glared at him. "After trashing the school, frightening the entire town and lowering the property values for a fifty mile radius, **you're** the one that's surprised?"

"Hey guys guess where we were!" Jamie ran in with Kitty. "At the zoo!"

"Oh goody," Pietro quipped. "The forty day ban has been lifted!"

"Time really flies when you're having fun," Todd added.

"They had all kinds of neat animals," Jamie said.

"Not now Squirt," Logan sighed.

"They even had new baby parrots," Jamie said.

"They're cute," Kitty said. "They're green and yellow and really loud."

"Uh, kids would you mind not saying anything for the next few weeks?" Logan winced. "If you do I'll buy you a motorcycle."

"No, I'd like to hear about these parrots," Mr. Rhodenski said.

"One of 'em's talking already," Jamie said. "All of the sudden one of them shouted 'Beer! Beer!' For no reason at all."

"I rest my case!" Mr. Rhodenski snapped. "You'll be hearing from my lawyers Xavier!"

"Wait it's **his** bird!" Logan pointed to Shipwreck. "We had nothing to do with it!"

"You're mutants, you had everything to do with it!" Mr. Rhodenksi said as he left. "See you in court!"

"Well nice to see he's still the same cheerful fellow he was when we went to school," Lance drawled.

"You really think it's possible that Polly has an X-Gene that makes him smarter than other birds?" Pietro asked.

"Well that would explain a lot," Althea shrugged. "Polly's always been different."

"Different is not the word I would use to describe him!" Scott snapped. "You guys have to do something!"

"Well it's a little late to teach Polly how to use birth control," Fred scratched his head.

"Wait a minute! How do we know for sure that Polly has been doing this stuff? My bird is innocent until proven guilty!" Shipwreck snapped.

Just then Polly flew by with two other parrots. They flew upstairs. Soon the song 'Jungle Boogie' could be heard playing and Polly was laughing.

"That's it, I'm gonna neuter him," Logan grunted.

"Can you do that to a parrot?" Fred asked.

"I was talking about SHIPWRECK!" Logan glared at his target.

"Yikes!" Shipwreck ran off with Logan and Scott at his heels.

"And people wonder why I have headaches all the time?" Xavier sighed as everyone else joined in on the chase.


End file.
